Both of my parents spent their last years in a different care home as they had separated in their seventies, which I would not recommend to anyone. They both had mixed type of dementia. My mother’s care home journey started at the age of 87 and finished in her third care home at the age of 98. Despite her dementia my mother frequently came out with words of deep wisdom - such is the poetry and pain of dementia. I was her anchor point and she would always say on my visits ‘when i am with you i am home’. This put into perspective what a home means- is it bricks and mortar or is it the essence of relationship that matters?
it was clear from my 12 years of learning to be a visiting relative and carer that the relationship triangle between my self, my mother and the staff was the dynamic which provided the sense of security, belonging, purpose and significance and that my mother needed to be the central player. Each home experience was so different . The first was in a rambling country manor run by an actor who used his skills in creating a drama of every daily moment. Sadly it was closed as it could not afford the building changes required by the Inspectorate. Bricks and mortar of the ‘home’ took precedence over the lived experience of my mother, her dog and latterly her new boyfriend.
The separation from this home with 3 weeks notice of closure was painful for us as a family. The second Home could not deal with a Labrador, the reason for being asked to leave. The third and final care home was very mediocre but we had reached the end of the road by this time. Each move rendered my mother more frail and the dog had to be put down. Things moved on and I adapted with time but my mother was missing Peter, but not her dog by this time. There were some lovely residents and I helped the manger to set up the first relatives meeting group, which was considered, in the early days as a potential threat to the management of the time. The relationship triangle needed a lot of investment to rebalance. Once achieved, my confidence in the care, activated by positive relationships between the family, the staff and my mother grew. It was a massive journey of adaptation from which I wrote a book with Julia Burton Jones : Find the Right Care Home. By this time I felt I was definitely qualified to do so! I also had became a Trustee of the Relatives and Residents Association which I was both able to contribute to and learn from- an important but small charity who have a significant role to play during this pandemic. Their support, research and information materials are excellent for any new relative.
Making relatives feel at home is an essential ingredient for a good care home. This has not changed over time. It is about feeling welcome and having a good visiting experience, knowing who is who, having timely information and being involved in the care to the extent that worked for my mother, being able to raise concerns without fear of retribution and feeling part of the community of the home. All these things mattered so that residents living with dementia can frequently be visited by their loved ones and the resident can say with confidence , ‘ when I am with you I am home’.